JK's dream #1: Noel Edmonds & the New Heart

A week after starting JK takes me aside after a show...Mercury, he says, I had the f***ing wildest dream last night, can I tell you it...

I'm a kid, about 9 or 10 I guess, and I'm lying in a hospital bed in a children's ward. It's Christmas time, there's a tree in the corner, tinsel wrapped around drips, that sort of thing. I'm lying there when there's a big commotion, kids squealing, lights and cameras as Noel Edmonds comes into the room dressed as Santa Claus with a sack over his back. He proceeds to give every kid, including me, a Deal or No Deal red box. Then he's talking to me asking me what I'm going to do, giving me all his lines: ”A wise move JK, I think the banker has you down as a player” and “You may host a talk show and talk the talk but can you walk the walk JK, what number are you going to pick next?”
I'm down to two boxes, my own and the number 12 box held by the jaundiced looking kid strapped into the bed opposite and in the dream I don't know what to do. I feel like crying – I just don't know what to do. I decide to open my own box...it's empty. The kid opposite opens his box, “Sorry JK,” he says. Inside his box is a beating human heart. The heart I needed for my transplant.

JK, London

(Noel Edmonds is a television presenter/game show host)

Mercury Vague : The dream is weighed down by religious symbols. Christmas, heart, the number 12 (disciples), lights. Noel Edmonds is recognised as a Christ like figure in dreams and often signifies a second coming, a rejuvenation of spirit, a transcendence.
At least that's what I told JK it meant...

celebrity dreams no:16

Bobby & Jackie Charlton & the Stolen Sweets

I'm seven again and I've been caught stealing sweets from the corner shop (this actually happened) but instead of being told off I've been taken to a police station. I'm in the interrogation room: steel table and chairs, lone filing cabinet. Bobby Charlton is interviewing me. He's kindly, faintly ridiculous with his comb-over but his questions, in the dream, seem very sharp to me. “We've got video footage Son, you won't get away with it y'knaw.” I keep quiet, I know I can get away with it if I don't say anything. Then Bobby's Brother Jackie stomps in wearing his Leeds United strip all covered in mud and football boots on his feet. An intense feeling of foreboding comes over me. He doesn't look at me he just says to Bobby, “You want me to head butt him, our kid?” All I can think of to say is, ”No,Jack, please”

Pete Drabble, Yorkshire

(Bobby and Jackie Charlton were football players)

Mercury Vague : Bald headed men in dreams are a metaphor for swindlers or people who are going to try to sell you something you don't need. Brothers usually symbolise happiness and peace but the violent attitude of the brother Jackie leads me away from that interpretation. The feeling I get is that this dream is all about the need to gain insurance for a dangerous activity or sport - perhaps a dangerous relationship. The Charlton Brothers in dreams is a much debated area with some saying they represent family tension (literal) others have a darker view and say they mean the coming of great sorrow and suffering – they are seen as almost Armageddon-like figures.

celebrity dreams no:15

Gordon Ramsey & Mother

Another celebrity dream about a television chef, this time Gordon Ramsey.

I'm going home to see my mother and introduce her to my fiance, Gordon Ramsey. She is very straight laced my Mother, she doesn't tolerate swearing or rudeness at all, so obviously I am nervous about taking Gordon to see her. He is dressed in his white chef's gear as we meet her in the garden. As they talk I seem to fade into the distance a little from them, I can hear everything they say but can't speak myself, it's as if I'm not there.
They are getting on really well. Gordon is being utterly charming while Mother shows him her favourite plants. Then it slips out, “It's a fucking great gaffe you've got here Mrs T.” Oh god, I knew this would happen. I'm still frozen in the dream and Gordon has just sworn at my Mother. I can see that all the blood has drained from her face as she physically picks Gordon up. His body has turned into a wooden stick, his head remains as it was. She picks him up, turns him over and begins to use his face and hair to rake up leaves. Gordon is screaming obscenities by now, and my Mother, like she did when I was a child, is saying, “Now Gordon, we know what happens to filthy mouths don't we? Do you want Mummy to get the soap?”

Susan T, Berkshire

(Gordon Ramsey is a television chef)

Mercury Vague : There are so many marriage symbols here, both literally and metaphorically. A well tended garden is a very common representation of married bliss. Dreaming of a cook means being served by a perfect partner. Even Gordon himself, a common figure in dreams, means energy, love and light.

celebrity dreams no:14

Jamie Oliver & the Pilsbury Dough Boy

I’m the sound man on a recording of a Jamie Oliver cookery show. There's me (with boom microphone, headphones and tape deck) the cameraman and a director and Jamie himself in his kitchen. Jamie's ripping up basil leaves, drizzling olive oil, licking his fingers then he's onto the next item. We move over to a large work-surface and lying on it, on his back, is the corpse of the Pillsbury Doughboy. He's about four feet long, white, pudgy, exactly like he was in the adverts... but stone-cold dead.
Jamie has a sharp knife in his hands. “And thith is how we start,” he says as his draws the knife straight down the front of the doughboy, from neck to groin. Soft white dough starts oozing out of both sides of the cut. Jamie's got his hands inside the stomach now, kneading away, “Keep doing thith until it becomth elastic.”

A.S. Heburn,Newcastle

(Jamie Oliver is a television chef)

Mercury Vague : Your dream has conflicting signs; bread an omen of happiness and a knife an omen of grief to come. Combine these mixed messages with Jamie Oliver who represents feelings of self satisfaction and smugness and the waters muddy further. I feel this is a warning dream about standing back while others are successful.

celebrity dreams no:13

Mercury Vague - diary entry #2

Mercury Vague: Working on JK’s show…he took me aside on the first day, touched my elbow and reassured me that everything would be smooth….his words, It’ll be smooth Mercury, you’ve no need to worry about the audience, they’re easy. Just a mix of slumming students and ham-armed housewives who want to wallow in someone else's misery.… he smiled at me and I had a feeling I had when I once stood on a large beetle…sort of disgust mixed with pleasure… and the pressure of foot on shell…like stepping on an exotic chocolate…

The studio quickly filled up…credits rolled…JK in front of the autocue…Welcome everyone to another hour of personal problems which we aim to solve with common sense, understanding and...he pauses and looks down the camera lens...Love.
That first show was about two set of neighbours...one man's wife had been sleeping with both the man next door and his wife...it was subtitled, my slutty wife is sleeping next door...her husband, a small wiry plumber, had been having day and night dreams about chopping his wife and neighbour's heads off and using them as bowling balls...his wife's head was the jack...and it's where I come in... JK says,Maybe we have a man who can help you...Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce a new member of the team. Famed psychic, author and dream interpreter, let's here it for....I thought back to having that beetle under my foot...MERCURY... how the shell resisted my weight for a second... VAGUE..before it crushed

Gordon Brown & the Badgers

Another Gordon Brown dream
Gordon Brown is camping in the woods near where I live. I keep seeing him sitting outside his tent with his calor gas stove frying sausages and I keep telling him that he shouldn't camp there. Because of the badgers. He just laughs this off and ignores me. I almost beg with him to move on but to no effect.
The next day I walk up to his tent with a feeling of dread. They've attacked him in the night. The badgers. They've ripped his throat out and left him for dead.

M Jones, UK

Mercury Vague:Your dream sounds absolutely fascinating. Dreaming of badgers is considered extremely lucky by most analysts, especially so if you have been having 'hard times'.. What makes the dream particularly interesting is the merging of the Badger symbol with Gordon Brown. Let's hope that he represents fiscal gain for yourself. That, however, is a simplistic reading of Gordon Brown - as I stated before in my previous entry Gordon Brown is often associated with controlled rage. I believe this dream represents your anxieties (possibly subconscious) regarding your finances.

celebrity dreams no:12

Magnus Pyke & the Guns

In the dream I’m a hit man working for the government. I kill anyone they want me to. I’m totally ruthless, a killing machine. I enter the office of the weapons master, he has some guns for me to try. The room I enter has a steel table with a row of handguns on it which vary from small delicately crafted automatics you might strap to your ankle, all the way up to what looks like a silenced .45. Standing behind the desk is Magnus Pyke and as I walk towards him he starts talking.
“Oh, hello there, now let me tell you about this little beauty“, he says as he picks up a gun and starts waving it frantically about. I'm thinking, Oh God be careful with that, it could go off. But I've got to keep my cool.
“This is a Russian semi-automatic shotgun. Useful at close range but precision is greatly decreased over distance,” says Magnus, waving his arms about in the style of a windmill.
And with that he turns, takes the gun in both hands and pumps a bullet into a water melon thats sitting in the corner of the room. The melon explodes pink up the wall. “Impressive, huh?”

Andy Parr, Cheshunt

(Magnus Pyke was a scientist and TV presenter )

Mercury Vague : Magnus Pyke is a dark character in dreams often associated with violence. I would read this dream as a warning that you should try to avoid situations that may spiral out of control. Guns symbolize injustice either to yourself or ones you love. Beware.

celebrity dreams no:11

Eddie Large, Ecstasy & M&S Food

Another of my own dreams, this one from around the time JK gave me a job on his show

I'm shopping in M&S Food, feeling relaxed as I decide between the ready meals, when the PA starts playing this wicked house tune. I'm straining my ears trying to work out what it is as shoppers around me start dancing; raising their hands in the air, eyes half closed, feeling the pulse of the music. Then I recognise it as You've Got Me Burning Up by Cevin Fisher. I drop my basket and start to groove too. I turn around and the dancer behind me is Eddie Large. He looks so beautiful, his cheeks glowing as he too dances. As I watch him he opens his mouth and I see on his tongue a little blue pill. I know its ecstasy, I just know. My eyes see closer and on the surface of the pill is a tiny picture of Syd Little. Eddie closes his mouth and says to me in his best Deputy Dawg voice, "I'll get you Muskrat."

(Eddie Large & Syd Little are a comedy double act)

celebrity dreams no:10

Mercury Vague - diary entry #1

Mercury Vague: This diary is my confession, and it is not going to be an easy to make. You must remember that none of this is true. It's just a dream. Just random fucking neurones snapping on and off. And what I will write, however terrible it may seem, is not true. It never happened. But I did kill them. I killed both of them.
Are you reading this Dehlia Smith?; reading it and taking mental notes in your sun dappled kitchen as you delicately grate parmezan. I dedicate the words that follow to you.

I met JK in the Autumn of last year...touting 'round television companies for work..anything...anything psychical...surely they needed someone like me to bring a different edge to their sordid little shows...I didn't want a whole half hour to myself...changing some idiot's life by analysing their dreams...all I wanted was a slot...and it was JK that said yes.

He thought his show was fading...needed something different...something that people would talk about...I remember his words...Mercury,he said, you are going to be my water cooler part of the show. You will get people talking...and he made me feel so warm and welcome... I remember the day clearly even down to the smell of his aftershave and the pressure of his hand on my back...that very first day...and then just a week later...Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you all to a new member on the JK team, someone with very special powers...I was sure I was going to be sick...so very sick...Please Welcome, psychic extraordinaire, Mercury Vague...none of this is true.

Jamie Cullum & the Custard

I’m back being a kid, aged about 9 or 10 I guess, sitting at the pine-top breakfast bar with my family. It’s time for pudding – jam roly-poly with custard. I hate custard. I turn to my older brother, who, in the dream, is Jamie Cullum. He smiles at me and says, “Eat it up. It’s good for you. I love custard.” And it must be true because he has the most massive bowl full of custard which he proceeds to spoon greedily into his mouth. More and more of the stuff. I have a feeling of immense foreboding.
Suddenly me and the family are sitting watching Jamie at a concert –he’s dancing on the piano, working the crowd, then slapping the hell out of the keys. Then he vomits, a custard vomit that just seems to go on forever.

P. R., Bury St Edmonds

(Jamie Cullum is a pop jazz pianist)

Mercury Vague : Custard in dreams represents boredom and dissatisfaction. Jamie Cullum symbolizes feelings of worthlessness. My belief is that you have deep feelings of disgust and self loathing.

celebrity dreams no:9

Jeremy Paxman & the Chicken

This is the weirdest dream I’ve ever had. I’m in charge of this farm only I can’t get control of it. The cows won’t come in to be milked, the pigs are crapping everywhere, even the farm’s sheep dog is totally ignoring me. It’s then that I go and look at the chickens. There are hundreds of them scattered all over the farm yard and in the middle of them all there is a gigantic one. It’s only when I get closer to it that I realise it’s actually half Jeremy Paxman, half chicken. Its his face definitely but he has this massive beak and those red dangly cheek things that chickens have. He looks at me and says,
“Which Chinese philosopher, who lived during China's tumultuous Period of Disunit, dedicated his life to searching for physical immortality, which he thought was attainable through alchemy?”
I say, “Oh god, I know this, I do”
”Come on, come on, I’m going to have to hurry you, anyone?”
I feel myself going so dry.
“It was the philosopher Ge Hong”, he says dismissively, then ruffles his feathers.

Simon S, Hebden Bridge

(Jeremy Paxman is a television presenter, host of University Challenge)

Mercury Vague : Dreams where you feel inadequate, lost, unable to move or speak are common and represent your subconscious fears for the coming day. Chickens symbolize lack of will power whereas conflictingly Paxman means tenacity. This dream is telling you that you need to work harder, to cling on to what you have achieved. Don’t let anyone take it away. Or it may just mean that you need to change your pillow from a feather filled one to an artificially filled one. Feather pillows often cause dreams about birds.

celebrity dreams no:8

Gordon Brown & the Horse

I am riding along an English seaside promenade on a big brown horse. I don’t ride in real life but I’m enjoying this. It feels good to be above everybody else. A figure steps out of nowhere ahead of me and as I get nearer I can see it’s Gordon Brown. My horse stops in front of him. He is wearing a kids cowboy dressing-up outfit that is way too small for him. The cowboy hat is tiny on his head. On his checked shirt he has a sheriffs badge. He smiles that odd smile of his then out of his holster he pulls a gun but it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the cowboy outfit, this is obviously a real gun. He puts the barrel to the side of my horses head, pulls the trigger and BANG! I feel the front of the horse fall to the ground and I am falling with it.

Frank B, Chelmsford

(Gordon Brown is the Prime Minister, in waiting, of Great Britain)

Mercury Vague : If I was a political beast I would say that this is an allegorical dream relating to Gordon Brown raiding personal pensions and your fear for your old age. But I think a more classical interpretation is that this dream is all about fear of being exposed. Gordon Brown in dreams is like the volcano, peaceful on top but underneath simmering with rage. This dream is about you keeping feelings hidden, maybe subconsciously, that need to be released.

celebrity dreams no:7

Tre Azam & the Generation Game

The dream starts with the sound of the audience cheering and whooping and I realize they are in front of me and I am on the stage standing next to my sister. It’s a television stage; there are three cameras facing us. I’m feeling very nervous then I look to my right and see Tre, the guy from the Apprentice, in a suit and he’s talking to the camera, “Welcome to the Generation Game, with me your host, Tre Azam”. The audience clap wildly, then we are straight into a game. We have to throw a clay pot on an old-fashioned potters wheel.
Mine goes disastrously wrong from the start, however I try to use my hands, it just crumples into a mess of wet clay. Tre’s standing in front of me looking at my work, utter disdain on his face,
“What the fuck is that?” he says, “That’s just not worth doing, is it?”

F Holiday, Bradford

(Tre Azam, marketing consultant and contestant on The Apprentice)

Mercury Vague : Dreams of inadequacy are probably one of the most common. You are in a situation where nothing goes right or you can’t do something that normally comes easy to you. These dreams are usually your subconscious preparing you for a challenge ahead. Tre Azam is a relatively new figure in dreams and represents over-confidence.

celebrity dreams no:6

Monkey Drivers & the Car Crash

In this blog, as well as analysing your celebrity dreams, I will also describe some of my own. This one I dreamt years ago but it appears to me as clear as if I had only experienced it last night.

I leave my penthouse apartment, jump into my car and start driving. It's then that I realise that all the other cars on the road are tiny, less than half a meter in length, but perfect scaled down versions of Fords, BMWs and the like. But, in the dream it is now that I see all the cars are being driven by what look like spider monkeys. It fascinates me. Some are driving carefully, some getting frustrated and screeching at other drivers, some are driving while talking into tiny mobile phones. And it's one of these drivers that is involved in the crash. Two cars hit head on. I stop my car and peer down at the wreckage, at the mess of metal and monkey on the ground.Unfortunately, I wake up, before the ambulance arrives. Even today I often wonder what the ambulance crew would have looked like.

Mercury Vague

celebrity dreams no:5

Richard Madeley & the Extra Leg

I'm being interviewed by Richard and Judy on their TV show. We are all sitting on the sofas and I'm just feeling so relaxed as I tell them about my latest blockbusting novel. Then I feel myself being drawn to Richard's right trouser leg; he's wearing quite baggy, fawn, chinos. I struggle to carry on talking. Richard has noticed me staring and says,
“You want to know don't you?”.
“What?” I mumble.
“You want to know about the leg.”
And now he starts, quite slowly, to pull his right trouser leg up. I'm aware of Judy, who's been silent till now, tutting, and saying “Oh, Richard!” in that way of hers.Then, he's pulled the trouser up to knee height and we can all see. Me, Judy, the studio crew – all of us. He has an extra leg! It's not quite as thick as the normal one and it finishes in a foot just above the normal ones ankle. It looks truly bizarre. Richard smiles at me. I wake up.

Marsha Banks, Kent

(Richard Madeley is a television presenter alongside his wife, Judy Finnigan)

Mercury Vague : Good God! That is a strange one, but if one knows where to look for the clues it becomes easy to read. Richard Madeley means conformity. You are worried about whether you will be a success. The achievement that you crave will be yours, but you need to conform to expectations.

celebrity dream no:4

Russell Grant and Testicle Eating

This is a nightmare I had when I was about 13. I'm sitting on the floor, for some reason, eating my dinner which is meat and boiled potatoes. I eat one of the potatoes then to my horror realize that what I've actually eaten is one of my own testicles. I am confused, unsure how this could have happened and then absolutely terrified. In my mind, in my dream, I am thinking,”what if it doesn't grow back?” Then, Russell Grant appears and he's bubbly and harmless and in that squeaky voice of his says, “Don't worry Love, it'll be alright.” And this reassures me and I know that I will be alright. Still a scary dream though.
I woke up sweating, I can tell you.

P Davies, Swansea

(Russell Grant is a lighthearted camp astrologist)

Mercury Vague : That is an unusual dream. I don't think I have come across one with such extraordinary images for quite some time. Usually dreaming of eating potatoes indicates the coming of peace and restfulness. Russell Grant is not fully agreed on by dream analysts, but he could mean an 'irritant' or 'barrier'. I feel that this dream is one of fears about the turbulence of puberty and whether you reach peace afterwards.

celebrity dream no:3

John Major & the Sheepskin Rug

I'm at my friend's dinner party, we've finished eating and are all standing about in his large living room when out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of something. I look down and there in the middle of a sheepskin rug is the severed head of John Major. He looks exactly as you'd expect him to look, his eyes are open, except he's not moving. There's no blood or anything, just the head. No one else at the party seems to notice or care.

Justin Green, London

(John Major, British conservative politician, ex-Prime Minister)

Mercury Vague : An amazingly symbolic dream: friendship, decapitation, power and sheep. Surprisingly, a severed head can often represent the focusing of thoughts. Obviously, John Major in dreams symbolises blandness. This dream means that you are thinking about a change of direction, a breakaway from your current, dull life.

celebrity dream no:2

Nigel Mansel & the Stick Insect

I am sitting in my conservatory on my favourite wicker chair when I look up and out into the garden. There is Nigel Mansell, dressed in a smart jumper and slacks, with a metal, tent pole in his hand. He looks annoyed and slightly scared at the same time. And then I see why. In front of him is an enormous stick insect, lime green and as tall as your hip. Exactly as you see them in the zoo but scaled up thousands of times. Its eyes glint malevolently at Nigel who then tries to strike it with his tent pole. Somehow he misses and the insect bites him hard on his wrist. This is where the dream gets strange because Nigel is hurt, blood coming out of his injured wrist and then, well what I can only describe as lots of metal tubing and wiring began to uncoil from his wound. He is an android. I am sure he is. I wake up.

Mr A Haussman, Newport

(Nigel Mansell is a racing driver and was World Formula 1 Champion in 1992)

Mercury Vague : An interesting dream with lots of vivid imagery and so much energy. In the language of dreams insects usually signify trivial irritations but this giant Kafkaesque insect is a trivial irritation that has been blown out of all proportion. Nigel Mansell in dreams represents calmness and emotional detachment. Combine these two with the dreams body violence and I believe we can conclude that you are worried about responding badly to criticism of yourself as being emotionally unintelligent.

celebrity dreams no:1