Saturday, 22 October 2011


Hygv vgvgb ggg hhh fffvfc vfvfcfc vfvfcf vv tggv fcfc fvgvv vggv gvv gvggvcgc hhyredy you bastard drew
posted by Mercury Vague at 13:13
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Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Javier Mascherano, Liam Gallagher, Dos Passos & Daffodils

I was plagued by a dream last night. I was on a train with Javier Mascherano, the Liverpool Midfielder, who was commuting to Manchester to take English lessons from one of the Gallagher brothers. When I stepped in to mention to Mr. Mascherano that not only is he one of the best midfielders in the Premiership but a jolly nice chap too, Liam Gallagher punched me in the face.
Javier, of course, stuck up for me but ended up with a broken leg for his troubles.

To cut a long dream short, I ended up playing the defensive midfield role in Liverpool’s next Champion’s League match. I think I understand most of the dream but could you explain why the football was a bowl of daffodils and how John Dos Passos, the modernist novelist, managed to get the job refereeing the match?

Chip Dale, Bangor

Mercury Vague: A dream full of brilliant and positive imagery from Mr Dale. Where to start? To dream of a figure with heavy eyebrows is a sign that the dreamer will be honored and esteemed by all. A broken leg signifies discontent in one's life (but it was not Mr Dale that received it in the dream). Dreaming of playing football before a large crowd means you are headed for a large sum of money. Daffodils, an uncommon dream image, are an augury of hope. Dos Passos has me stumped however!

celebrity dreams no:31
posted by Mercury Vague at 21:46
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Monday, 24 September 2007

Noel Edmonds & celebrity window cleaners

I am in my house when I realise that I am being filmed. I remember that I am part of the latest hit television show 'Celebrity Window Cleaner'. The presenter of the show is with me in the bedroom, asking me questions. "Who do you think it will be, kevin?"
"Er...I' don't, Robin Askwith" I guess speculatively. "No...way off, young man" he's shouting, "Today your windows are going to be cleaned by .... Noel Edmonds"

The presenter whips back my curtains and there is Noel, duster in hand, buffing up the glass on the outside.

For some unexplicable reason, as he cleans my windows, I feel highly aroused.

Kevin B, Worcester

(Noel Edmonds is a TV presenter, Robin Askwith is an actor)

Mercury Vague: Another Noel Edmonds dream! Noel Edmonds (the christ figure in dreams) is often associated with spiritual visions, and the cleaning of glass (a subconscious fear of dirt) could mean that in the near future your religious beliefs will be challenged.

celelbrity dreams no:30
posted by Mercury Vague at 20:48
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Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Charlie the Cat, Benny from Crossroads & Wrestling

I'm in the alleyway at the back of my house standing by Charlie the Cat and the little boy who owns him. Charlie goes, “Meowwwo eough reoww reoww
The boy says, “Charlie says if you are going to wrestle be sure to wear protective head gear and tell your Mum where you are going.”
Then I'm in a wrestling ring, I think its Nantwich Civil Hall, feeling extremely weedy, dressed in tiny bright red trunks. My opponent appears in front of me, it's Benny from Crossroads. He's dressed in a blue lycra leotard affair and much more muscle-bound than he should be. I notice that he still has his knitted tea cosy hat on as he easily turns me around and puts me into a two armed head lock. God it hurts so much. I start to cry as Benny parades me around the ring like that, encouraging the crowd to bay for my downfall. And he's shouting out into them, “Look at Benny, Miss Dianne...look what your Benny done”.
I know he is going to smash my face into a corner post it's just a matter of when.

Frank Norris, Crewe

(Benny is a character in the soap opera Crossroads)

Mercury Vague : Without you telling me Frank I know you must be a gambler, your dream is full of the symbolism of betting. Charlie the Cat represents good advice, Benny - a chance symbol- usually fortuitous and of course dreaming of wrestling mean a gamble is going to pay off.
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:31
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Monday, 23 July 2007

Mercury Vague / dream diary #5

I'm aged ten or eleven and I'm a contestant on Screen Test, the quiz show about cinema for kids. I feel incredibly nervous with sweaty palms and a certain feeling that I am going to throw up at any moment. There are three other kids in the studio sitting behind little desks just like me plus the host, Michael Rodd. He looks deadly serious as he introduces the next section of the show.

“And now on screen test we are going to show a clip from the recent Children's Film Foundation movie 'Crossbow'. Pay close attention teams because I will be asking observational questions afterwards”
The film begins and in the film we see a close up of a hand placing a crossbow arrow into a crossbow. Then we see my face on the screen, one eye closed the other squinting as I aim. The film cuts to an image of Keith Chegwin bouncing in and out of the frame. We cut back to an ultra close up of my face, then my fingers squeezing on the trigger, then a close up on Keith's mouth. He's speaking but there is no sound of this on the soundtrack, just the TWANG of the wire as the bolt is fired. Then Keith's twisted mouth.
“OK teams, fingers on buzzers....”
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:53
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Friday, 20 July 2007

JKs Dream #4: Mark Spitz, Marine Boy & Feather Swimming

JK told me about this dream of his.

I'm a swim jockey. Let me explain. I'm at some sort of international feather swimming event. Let me explain more. It's an Olympic size swimming pool filled to the brim with white downy feathers. I'm in the pool sitting on the chest of Mark Spitz. All the other swim jockeys are doing the same on their swimmers. The gun fires and we are off, Mark does a powerful backstroke as I sit on his stomach and hold onto his shoulders near the neck. We are ploughing ahead through a swimming pool full of feathers, easily in the lead and I am screaming at Mark, "Come on". Then from out of nowhere Marine Boy appears at Mark's feet, he's chewing his magic gum that enables him to swim for a long time under feathers and he his grabbing at Mark's ankles. He's slowing us down more and more, and one by one all the other swimmers pass us by leaving us to finish last.

JK, London

Mercury Vague : Interesting imagery. Dreaming of feather means a positive outcome to a business transaction. Swimming has different meanings depending on whether Mark Spitz was wearing trunks or swimming naked (JK told me he wasn't naked which indicates monetary gain) Marine Boy is symbolic of greed and selfishness; Mark Spitz of power. A clear understanding emerges.

celebrity dreams no:29
posted by Mercury Vague at 21:52
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Thursday, 19 July 2007

Kenny Ball, Bob Langley, Gillian McKeith & Bloating

I'm sitting on my sofa watching Saturday Night at Pebble Mill. The presenter, Bob Langley is talking, “Now, it's time for some music from our resident jazzers, Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen
The band break into 'Oh When the Saints'. In the dream it's now that I realise that this is no normal performance but rather it's a new interactive, reality, bloody weird type of Pebble Mill and that in some unspecified way one viewer, and one viewer only, is connected to Kenny's trumpet. I feel my stomach bloat a little, then get bigger, soon its doubled in size. Kenny carries on playing the theme. By now I've ballooned up, my arms and legs blubbering out of my clothes in a sort of obese Incredible Hulk way, the skin all over my body is tight as it fights to keep the fat in. Kenny takes the trumpet out of his mouth while the clarinet player solos; I stop expanding, relieved.
It's now that Gillian McKeith enters my living room and starts with her:

”Just look at you, I'll be surprised if you don't die of a heart attack in the next five years. Stick out your tongue. Urrghh!”
On television Kenny puts the trumpet back to his lips and starts to solo. I have a feeling of immense panic, and wake up.

Susan S, Manchester

(Kenny Ball is a trad jazz player, Gillian McKeith is a nutritionist)

Mercury Vague : Party Time! Dreaming of being uncomfortably fat is actually a positive symbol that means you will have lots of positive friendships. Hearing Jazz means that you will purchase some happy experience that you can ill afford. But putting all these together with Kenny Ball (analysts agree on Ball as the ultimate party symbol in dreams) and things are looking good. Gillian McKeith is just a minor irritant, unless she asks to see a faeces sample in the dream.

celebrity dreams no:28
posted by Mercury Vague at 09:32
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Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Peter Powell & the Dirty Bomb

I'm an international weapons inspector, a sort of dreamworld Hans Blix, with the most ridiculous handlebar moustache you've ever seen. For some reason I keep twirling it, touching both ends like a stereotypical 1950's cinema villain. I knock on the door of a country house and Peter Powell (the disc jockey) opens the door.
“I've come to inspect your weapons,” I say.
“Please, come in.” Pete is unfazed, ultra-polite and eager to please. He starts showing me around the house as if I were a potential buyer. I'm getting irate, “I need to see what you've got Mr Powell.”
And finally he opens the door to the room. At first it's hard to take in, the enormity of what he's done, what he's hidden away. Inside, the room is full of pop stars of all shape and form. Mainly slung onto loading bays, wrapped in black and yellow tape, with warning signs everywhere:'danger, high explosive', 'detonator', 'radioactive isotopes'. There are Les Gray and Noddy Holder missiles, Rubette cluster bombs, an improvised roadside little Jimmy Osmond with exposed wires, even Bay City Roller grenades. I'm horrified and start playing with my moustache to gain me some time, thinking what to say.
“Come and look at this one,” says Pete excitedly.
He leads me to a corner where there is a coffin shaped box. Inside is a Rod Stewart dirty nuclear device; he's sporting tartan kecks, open necked shirt, feather cut.

“I could make half of London uninhabitable for decades with this one.”
“You shouldn't have it,” I say, weakly.

Martin F, Brighton

(Peter Powell is a radio disc jockey)

Mercury Vague : Exploding bombs in dreams often refer to moving location/ moving houses and with the strong Scottish element I believe this means a move North. Be careful though because Rod Stewart in dreams is thought to be symbolic of decay, maybe dry rot.

celebrity dreams no:27
posted by Mercury Vague at 18:28
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Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Mercury Vague analyses your dreams

...well, yes I do, but I must repeat that I don't want you to send me dreams of a sexual nature to analyse. Yes, I am talking to you Mr S Shaw of Wimbledon and your dream of Roy Castle trying to set a new world record by performing all 64 arts of the Karma Sutra in under 20 minutes.
Remember, keep it clean.
posted by Mercury Vague at 14:32
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Monday, 16 July 2007

Mercury Vague / dream diary #4

I'm in the television studio, not the one where JK shoots his show this is a different one. As I look around me I realise I’m on the set of the Golden Shot. Bob Monkhouse is hosting, talking to camera, raising one eyebrow as he delivers a killer joke. While the audience is still laughing he turns to me, “Mercury! Mercury, Mercury, Mercury let ‘s see if you are a quicksilver shooter as your name suggests.” He does that Monkhouse smile.
“Mercury, you have one minute to hit the red target….Bernie…the bolt”
Bernie loads the five inch steel bolt and backs away.
And then I’m looking down the site of the crossbow. To start with I can’t see anything, just whiteness, I think there’s been a mistake. Then I see. Cheggers. He’s recording Cheggers Plays Pop in the same studio. He’s dressed in some sort of lime-green all in one shell suit and he’s bouncing up and down as he speaks into the microphone. On his forehead is stuck a tiny red circle of paper. “And this week on Cheggers Plays Pop we have music from Toyah and…”
“Stop f***ing bouncing” I’m thinking. I’m trying to get the cross hair to line up on his forehead and all he’s doing is leaping up and down. I can hear the clock ticking and Bob Monkhouse in the background is saying, take your time you’ve still got twenty seconds left. I squeeze the trigger.
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:10
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Sunday, 15 July 2007

Nicky Campbell, Jim Bowen and the Midgets

I'm a contestant on the game show Wheel of Fortune. Nicky Campbell is hosting and is chatting to me, asking me about my hobbies.
“So tell me about potholing, Keith”
I don't know anything about the subject, I try to mumble something, but nothing is coming out. Nicky is getting cross now, “Just spin the wheel Keith. Spin the f***ing wheel” I spin it and realise that on every alternate section there is a midget tied down to the wheel. In my dream I switch to seeing the wheel from above. Seeing it spinning rapidly, making that clicking noise, the midgets looking glum. I now hear Jim Bowen's (Bullseye) voice saying,
“Stay in the black and out of the red, you get nowt in this game for two in a bed”. I have three darts in my hand and I start to throw them down onto the wheel of midgets.

Keith L, Aberdeen

(Nicky Campbell is a radio/television presenter, Jim Bowen host Bullseye)

Mercury Vague
: Darts represent ambition, whilst little people, especially dwarves mean a difficult problem you have will be overcome as if by magic…unless the midgets had over sized heads and hands. If so then your future is overshadowed by an extremely menacing figure. This could be the case as Nicky Campbell in dreams is a figure of illness and disease usually of the gut. Jim Bowen is a benign figure.

celebrity dreams no:26
posted by Mercury Vague at 12:03
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Friday, 13 July 2007

Mercury Vague / dream diary #3

I'm outside a room and fixed to the door is a sign that reads, 'the man with the plan'. I enter the room and Magnus Pyke stands behind a desk laden with guns, knives, crossbows, weapons of all shapes and sizes.
“Come in, come in,” he waves me in, “Now, Mercury, look at this little beauty.” He picks up and puts on a vicious looking knuckleduster. “Did you know,” Magnus is raising his voice, a wild look in his eyes, “That the humble knuckle duster was invented by the ancient Romans?”
“I, er...”
In the dream I'm really struggling to speak.“I need to kill someone, Magnus, but I, er, I need it to look like an accident.”
“Accident? Oh, I see, now did you know that 43% of all accidents in the home resulting in death are from falls?”
”Don’t ask me?” I mumble.
He scribbles an address on an envelope, picks up some Bruce Lee nun chukkas and starts flailing his arms around his head once more, the sticks becoming nothing but a deadly blur.

My eyes zoom in on the envelope. Closer and closer. The address of a television studio near the Thames. My eyes crash-zooming in. I feel myself falling. There is nothing at all beneath my feet.

posted by Mercury Vague at 16:08
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Thursday, 12 July 2007

JK's Dream #3: Norris and Ross McWhirter & Weightlifting

This was one of JK’s most vivid recurring dreams.

I’m in the television studios, only it’s not my show it’s the shoot for Record Breakers. I’m dressed only in weightlifting trunks and boots, my body is pumped up and oiled and I’m feeling quite aggressive. Standing either side of me as I look at the cameras are Ross and Norris McWhirter. They face each other and are attached by a steel weightlifting pole that is somehow fixed to them in the middle of their chests. ”JK is now going to make his third world record attempt,” says Ross, “Remember JK you must lock out your elbows on every lift.”
Norris holds a clipboard and stopwatch but says nothing. I grasp the pole, snort air out of my nostrils and lift the twins for the first time.
“One.” Says Ross. The dream carries on as I repeatedly lift Ross and Norris on the pole and Ross carries on counting. It’s a great effort to do this but I never seem to tire.

JK, London

(Norris and Ross McWhirter wrote the Guiness Book of World Records)

Mercury Vague : Ross and Norris, Ying and Yang, Happy and Sad, Good Cop Bad Cop. Rather than analyse JK's dream in a conventional fashion I just told him that it brought to mind two famous quotes about 'weight':

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life; That word is love" Sophocles (496-406 BC)

"Getting my lifelong weight struggle under control has come from a process of treating myself as well as I treat others in every way" Oprah Winfrey (1954- )

celebrity dream no 25
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:13
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the Diddy Men, Duncan Goodhew & the Detective

I’m a hardboiled film noir detective dressed in my raincoat, wide-brimmed hat, constantly smoking. I’m backstage at a theatre in the dressing room of the Ken Dodd’s Diddymen. They are all knee height and they are all talking at once. I’m trying to make sense of them, get them to talk one at a time or just shut up.
“You’ve got to help us,” says Dickie Mint, “I mean, you should have seen him, his throat cut from ear to ear”
He’s referring to Hamish McDiddy who had his throat slit the previous night. They all start talking at once again.
“Is there anyone who has a grudge against you?”
Mick The Marmalizer pushes his way to the front of the group.
“I think I knows who done it, big man,” he says, “Duncan Goodhew”.
Then, I’ve tracked Duncan down to an indoor swimming pool. I walk round and round the edge, but he won’t come out. Just continues swimming up and down, length after length after length. In the dream I fantasise about getting my gun out and shooting him as he swims. I can see the water clouding red and his hairless body bobbing just under the surface like some sort of clubbed seal.

S Baring, London

(The Diddymen are Ken Dodds backing group, Duncan Goodhew is a swimmer)

Mercury Vague : A delightful dream with a clear reading. Seeing yourself as a detective indicates personal troubles ahead. Bald men, like Duncan Goodhew, are usually indicative of swindlers and chiselers. DiddyMen mean complicated problems are magically solved.
celebrity dreams no:24
posted by Mercury Vague at 10:05
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Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Mercury Vague / dream diary #2

I'm at Maggie's house.
“Where's Keith?”
“At the studios,filming”
“Cheggers Plays Pop?”
In the dream I am in some sort of straight jacket, my arms wrapped around my chest in a permanent hug. Maggie is standing so very close.
“I want it to be just me and you, Mercury”
“You're going to divorce Keith?”
Maggie laughs, pulls her head back and laughs hard.
“Do you know how much he's worth?”
“He'd have to pay you some.” Somehow, with my hands still tied, I struggle to get a cigarette into my mouth. I don't smoke. Maggie lights it.
“I don't want some, Mercury.”
Maggie leans in close, I'm thinking, 'Oh god', then on the end of her right hand I notice she has a glove puppet. It's Lambchop; Shari Lewis's Lambchop. Maggie is making its mouth open and close and saying in a high pitched voice, “I want it to be just me and you, Mercury.”
She smashes her gloved fist into my mouth and nose. A taste of blood and cotton on my lips. I can see Lambchop, it's face red with my blood. Maggie smiles, making Lambchop's mouth open and close, soundless words, then she hammers her socked fist into my face. Over and over.
posted by Mercury Vague at 10:14
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Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo & the Class A Drugs

I'm in this dark alleyway, not quite sure what I'm doing there, when this shadowy figure jumps out. It's so dark I can't see any features on the person. He says, “You buying, chk-chk?, What do you want, chk-chk?”
It's now, as my eyes get accustomed to the gloom, that I see it's Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and he's trying to sell me drugs.“I got skunk, coke, cathinone, desomorphine, hydrocodone and proheptazine.” says Skippy in his thick Australian accent. “What's it going to be, chk-chk?”
Skippy has this mean look on his face, I'm worried he's going to pull a weapon on me. I hear myself saying, “Just a cream cake please, Skippy”
Skippy reaches into his pouch and his paw comes out holding a knife.
“Are you taking the piss, chk-chk?”

Mark Peters, Liverpool

(Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is an antipodean animal actor)

Mercury Vague : A kangaroo means travel by aeroplane. A knife in a dream is a bad sign indicating grief in the future. Skippy usually is a sign of carefree happiness but this reading must be balanced by the extremely bad combination of symbols that is a knife wielding kangaroo. My advice to you would be to not travel by plane.

celebrity dreams no:23
posted by Mercury Vague at 16:39
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JK's Dream #2: Frank Bough & the Lurpak

JK rings me up early one morning, desperate to tell me about his dream before it fades.

I'm in my garden when I come across this giant mushroom or toadstool. It's about six foot across and sprawled along the top of it is Frank Bough. He's wearing an orange open necked shirt, with a cravat and perma-crease light brown slacks. “Hello, JK,” he says, “Welcome to Breakfast Time.”
He then turns his head as if he's talking to a camera and says,”JK's got a new show starting soon where he tries to solve peoples' problems live on air, and very good it looks too. “ He turns back to face me,”Would you like some butter on your toast?”
And with that he suddenly has a whole block of Lurpak butter in his hand, he's opened up his shirt and has started rubbing it into his armpits, as if it was a deodorant stick. After about a minute of this he then starts spreading it thickly onto some toast for me. I know, in the dream, that Frank is going to make me eat this. He giving me this filthy look as he butters that toast. He's going to make me eat the toast.

JK, London

(Frank Bough is a television presenter of news shows)

Mercury Vague : To eat butter in dreams means you are going to have a stable financial future. Frank Bough, a much misunderstood figure in dreams, is often interpreted as being an indicator of concealment, either of emotions or of physical items. So, this dream could mean that you will have a bright monetary time ahead if you only conceal your true feelings.
celebrity dreams no:23
posted by Mercury Vague at 09:11
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Monday, 9 July 2007

Mercury Vague / dream diary #1

I'm backstage in the dressing room corridor. I know that Maggie Philbin and Keith Chegwin are in one of the rooms. Then I see a door open, Keith storms out followed by the thud of something heavy hitting the inside of it. He walks straight past me not noticing me hovering with my back against the ceiling. I float into Maggie's room. She's in floods of tears. “He's threatening to divorce me”
I stand in front of her.
“Maggie,” I manage to get out, “I love you.”
“Do you know how much he's worth dead, Mercury?” She holds my wrists. I look down at her hands and notice how small they seem on my wrists.
Then I'm this rocket speeding through the clouds, the ground a patchwork beneath me, my arms pinned to my side, wind buffetting my head. I look to my left and there's Maggie flying too. We cross paths, like the Red Arrows, just missing each other, coloured smoke trailing out of our feet. I know that there are crowds on the ground squinting into the light and trying to catch a glimpse of us. I know everything is going to be OK.
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:18
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Windsor Davies, Don Estelle and the Matchstick Fight

I need to light a cigarette but the matchbox, which I know had some matches in, is empty. Maybe, I'm thinking to myself they've fallen onto the floor somehow. I begin crawling around the carpet, looking under dropped clothes, my room suddenly unbelievably messy and disorganised. I turn over a cardboard box and that's when I see them. The little people. There's a dozen or so tiny little fuckers about two inches tall underneath the box. And they have my matches. Two of them I recognise as Windsor Davies and Don Estelle from It 'Aint Half Hot Mum. They are stripped to the waist but still wearing their head gear and they are holding a matchstick each, like a club, trying to hit each other in the head. The rest stand around in a circle cheering, encouraging them on. The fight goes on, getting bloodier, Windsor is getting badly beaten now. He's hardly even defending himself anymore as Don lands a vicious whack to the side of his ear. The crowd erupt into cheers. I put the box back into place, covering them up.

Viv Whiteside, Cheltenham

(Windsor Davies & Don Estelle are characters in the comedy It 'Aint Half Hot Mum')

Mercury Vague: Some good signs here: seeing other people fighting means that you will have happiness in your 'speciality', striking matches are a symbol of coming love. Windsor Davies and Don Estelle in dreams (both love symbols) are often interpreted as a sign of 'kissing' some interpreters go as far to suggest 'copulation'.

celebrity dreams no:22
posted by Mercury Vague at 13:32
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Sunday, 8 July 2007

Cliff Thorburn & the Trick Shots

I'm at the Snooker World Championships in the Crucible Theater. That's all well and good, but in my dream I am tied down on my back on top of the snooker table. There are leather straps that go around my ankles and wrists and are then these are tied to the corner pockets. There is a large crowd sitting in the seats, all looking down on me. I keep switching viewpoints between being on the table, staring up into the lights and being an audience member looking down at my own body. Suddenly everyone is up on their feet cheering as Cliff Thorburn walks into the arena and starts to give a demonstration of trick shots. He's jumping balls over my body and into pockets. He plays a shot off my stomach, nose and then forehead. The audience goes wild with applause, they seem almost like feral animals, baying at Cliff's tricks. Then the highlight of Cliff's show; he fires the black ball with as much force as he can muster up my trouser leg. The pain in my groin as the ball hits is indescribable. I raise my head off the table, looking down at Cliff and he looks as cool as you like. He's lining up another ball to fire.

Pete Sandell, Leeds

(Cliff Thorburn is a canadian snooker player)

Mercury Vague : Dreams of restraint indicate subconscious fears, usually about a lack of control or control being taken away. Cliff Thorburn, a common celebrity in dreams, although seemingly mild mannered, is an aggressive, uncontrolled symbol. This dream reveals your fears of being controlled by more aggressive people, of wanting to break away from being a meek follower.

celebrity dreams no:21
posted by Mercury Vague at 13:14
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Saturday, 7 July 2007

Simon Cowell & the Art Gallery

I start the dream with this overwhelming thoughts of confidence. There is this almost zero-gravity bounce in my step as I walk around knowing that everyone loves me. A great feeling.
Then a bizarre set of events happen. First I am at some sort of upmarket party in an art gallery, surrounded by people and chatting. I start talking to this glamorous woman opposite me when mini-Simon Cowell pops his head out of my blouse pocket and starts talking to her as well. Only, he's criticising her, saying she will never make it as an art critic. He's saying things like, “I mean just look at you. You look like Lilly Savage crossed with a hairbrush. I'm sorry, it's a no.” She walks away in tears as I push mini-Simon (who is only about seven inches tall) back down into my blouse pocket. I can feel him wriggling about in there next to my skin.
Then the people at the party begin eating the delicate looking food from the finger buffet and I find myself talking to the chef. I'm halfway through a mouthful of this gruesome looking pork pie when Simon pops his head up again and starts having a go at him too.
“Do you seriously expect me to eat this rubbish?” he asks him. I feel mortified. And in the dream I have a thought that what I should do is take Simon out, hold him by the legs like a baton and dash his brains out against the gallery wall.

Mrs E Smith. Crewe

(Simon Cowell is a panel member on The X factor)

Mercury Vague :
What first appears to be a simple dream of public embarrassment has a very different interpretation. Pork is usually taken to mean that a new job with many more opportunities lies just ahead of you. But take care because Pastry symbolises a missed appointment - ah, the conflicting dream symbolism created by a humble pork pie. Dreaming of Simon Cowell suggest the opportunity will be in the arts as he is a recognised symbol of artistic excellence.

celebrity dreams no:20
posted by Mercury Vague at 09:13
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Friday, 6 July 2007

Derek Batey & the Job Interview

I'm having a panic dream about a job interview I've got the next day. In the dream I'm rushing, bolting down my breakfast then running for the bus. I just catch it in time but instead of asking me for my money the bus driver instead starts to ask me slow winding questions. In the dream it is now that I realise that the driver is Derek Batey, from the Mr & Mrs quiz show. And he's saying to me,”If you wanted to have a piece of fruit for a snack, or maybe you would have a piece for desert, did your wife say that, A. You'd quite like an orange? Or did she say B. He likes an apple? Or did she say that you weren't really bothered, you didn't like fruit?”
Derek smiles at me and I'm split between being terrified of being late for the interview and thinking about my favourite fruit. He starts to slowly repeat the question.
“I'm not really bothered,” I snap back at Derek, “I don't really like fruit.”
All the passengers on the bus begin clapping. As I look around at them I can see my wife on the back seat, nervously smoking a cigarette which she cups in her hand so as to avoid being spotted by bus driver Derek.

M. Wolverston
, West Bromwich

(Derek Batey presented the popular quiz show for married couples, Mr & Mrs)

Mercury Vague : Travelling by bus indicates troubling times ahead especially if you are employed in stenographic work. Derek Batey is associated with control and being dominated by a stronger force. This dream as well as being a typical worry dream about a forthcoming event is also a warning about being controlled by persons above yourself
celebrity dreams no:19
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:45
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Thursday, 5 July 2007

Johnny Morris & the Foul Mouthed Squirrel

I’m Johnny Morris. I’m looking through his eyes as I talk to the camera and then I keep switching to seeing him/me from outside. I’m dressed in his Bristol Zoo Keeper’s outfit, peaked cap with ‘keeper’ in silver letters, the works. And I’m doing all his voices like there’s no tomorrow, I can’t stop them. I’m saying things like, “And Gerry the Giraffe is having a hard time.”
“Yes,” says Gerry, “You see, my house is just too small. I keep banging my head on the roof. Oh dear, oh deary me”.
Now I’m doing a piece to camera again with a squirrel on my shoulder. He’s nervously chewing at a nut. “And what’s your name,” I say.
"F***k off, mother******,” he says.
Oh god, I’m thinking, He can’t say things like that on kids television.
“Mind your language, Cyril,” I say.
“F*** off”

N Pearlman, Wigan

(Johnny Morris was a television presenter on Animal Magic)

Mercury Vague : A dream on a common theme of uncontrollable public embarrassment. Squirrels often mean future problems due to unpaid bills. Johnny Morris in dreams is a gentle figure often symbolizing hiding from one’s responsibilities. The dream is about feelings you have of finances spinning out of control and your tendency to wash your hands of them.

celebrity dreams
posted by Mercury Vague at 10:29
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Mercury Vague - diary entry #3

Mercury Vague~ dream diary: I'm in the studio and we are shooting a show called “She beats me up, but I can't leave her”. JK is sitting on the stage floor in front of a couple sitting on the sofa. I am in the wings watching (I'm not in this part of the show). I see that the sofa couple is actually Maggie Philbin and Keith Chegwin. JK is talking, “How do you feel when she hits you Keith? Do you not fight back? Are you not a man? And you Maggie, just shut up when I’m talking love…give me a minute…”
Keith begins crying, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “I just love her so much, “ he blubs.
In dreamland I float to the front row of seats, I'm transfixed by Maggie, her beauty, it's like there is a light that is pouring out of her. I know I am in love with her. I lift off from my seat and float through the air so that my face is inches from hers; I can smell her. “He gets what he deserves.” she spits.
posted by Mercury Vague at 10:04
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Sunday, 1 July 2007

Cyril Fletcher, Raquel Welsh and the Pot of Jam

I'm making my breakfast; cereal, toast with jam, when I notice the jam bubbling strangely. As I look closer I feel my self being drawn into the jam pot. Somehow I've been made tiny and I'm inside the jam pot sliding down a raspberry slope, becoming covered in the stuff. In the dream I wonder if that now I am so small I will be injected into someone's body like in the film Fantastic Voyage with Raquel Welsh. But instead of that happening I am suddenly plucked from the jam and stand, naked and raspberry-ish in front of Cyril Fletcher. He's sitting in a high backed leather arm chair dressed not in his usual dinner jacket but in the same style of tight fitting all-in-one suit Raquel wears in the film. He says, “And finally, Mr. Stone in Edinburgh was surprised to see that his local Chinese restaurant are offering an interesting new dish.”
Cyril's tongue now darts out, all five or six feet of it, like the tongue of some sort of lizard. I stick to it and am rapidly pulled into his mouth.

Simon Stone, Edinburgh

(Cyril Fletcher was a television presenter on That's Life)

Mercury Vague : Cyril Fletcher is a rare dream figure representing reptilian cordiality. Often jam appears in dreams as a symbol of social interaction. Your dream reads as your brain's conditioning response to worries about forthcoming social events or parties – with the inclusion of Raquel Welsh as an obvious sexual reference.

celebrity dreams no:17
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:31
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Saturday, 30 June 2007

JK's dream #1: Noel Edmonds & the New Heart

A week after starting JK takes me aside after a show...Mercury, he says, I had the f***ing wildest dream last night, can I tell you it...

I'm a kid, about 9 or 10 I guess, and I'm lying in a hospital bed in a children's ward. It's Christmas time, there's a tree in the corner, tinsel wrapped around drips, that sort of thing. I'm lying there when there's a big commotion, kids squealing, lights and cameras as Noel Edmonds comes into the room dressed as Santa Claus with a sack over his back. He proceeds to give every kid, including me, a Deal or No Deal red box. Then he's talking to me asking me what I'm going to do, giving me all his lines: ”A wise move JK, I think the banker has you down as a player” and “You may host a talk show and talk the talk but can you walk the walk JK, what number are you going to pick next?”
I'm down to two boxes, my own and the number 12 box held by the jaundiced looking kid strapped into the bed opposite and in the dream I don't know what to do. I feel like crying – I just don't know what to do. I decide to open my own's empty. The kid opposite opens his box, “Sorry JK,” he says. Inside his box is a beating human heart. The heart I needed for my transplant.

JK, London

(Noel Edmonds is a television presenter/game show host)

Mercury Vague : The dream is weighed down by religious symbols. Christmas, heart, the number 12 (disciples), lights. Noel Edmonds is recognised as a Christ like figure in dreams and often signifies a second coming, a rejuvenation of spirit, a transcendence.
At least that's what I told JK it meant...

celebrity dreams no:16
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:59
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Friday, 29 June 2007

Bobby & Jackie Charlton & the Stolen Sweets

I'm seven again and I've been caught stealing sweets from the corner shop (this actually happened) but instead of being told off I've been taken to a police station. I'm in the interrogation room: steel table and chairs, lone filing cabinet. Bobby Charlton is interviewing me. He's kindly, faintly ridiculous with his comb-over but his questions, in the dream, seem very sharp to me. “We've got video footage Son, you won't get away with it y'knaw.” I keep quiet, I know I can get away with it if I don't say anything. Then Bobby's Brother Jackie stomps in wearing his Leeds United strip all covered in mud and football boots on his feet. An intense feeling of foreboding comes over me. He doesn't look at me he just says to Bobby, “You want me to head butt him, our kid?” All I can think of to say is, ”No,Jack, please”

Pete Drabble
, Yorkshire

(Bobby and Jackie Charlton were football players)

Mercury Vague : Bald headed men in dreams are a metaphor for swindlers or people who are going to try to sell you something you don't need. Brothers usually symbolise happiness and peace but the violent attitude of the brother Jackie leads me away from that interpretation. The feeling I get is that this dream is all about the need to gain insurance for a dangerous activity or sport - perhaps a dangerous relationship. The Charlton Brothers in dreams is a much debated area with some saying they represent family tension (literal) others have a darker view and say they mean the coming of great sorrow and suffering – they are seen as almost Armageddon-like figures.

celebrity dreams
posted by Mercury Vague at 22:47
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Gordon Ramsey & Mother

Another celebrity dream about a television chef, this time Gordon Ramsey.
I'm going home to see my mother and introduce her to my fiance, Gordon Ramsey. She is very straight laced my Mother, she doesn't tolerate swearing or rudeness at all, so obviously I am nervous about taking Gordon to see her. He is dressed in his white chef's gear as we meet her in the garden. As they talk I seem to fade into the distance a little from them, I can hear everything they say but can't speak myself, it's as if I'm not there.
They are getting on really well. Gordon is being utterly charming while Mother shows him her favourite plants. Then it slips out, “It's a fucking great gaffe you've got here Mrs T.” Oh god, I knew this would happen. I'm still frozen in the dream and Gordon has just sworn at my Mother. I can see that all the blood has drained from her face as she physically picks Gordon up. His body has turned into a wooden stick, his head remains as it was. She picks him up, turns him over and begins to use his face and hair to rake up leaves. Gordon is screaming obscenities by now, and my Mother, like she did when I was a child, is saying, “Now Gordon, we know what happens to filthy mouths don't we? Do you want Mummy to get the soap?”

Susan T, Berkshire

(Gordon Ramsey is a television chef)

Mercury Vague : There are so many marriage symbols here, both literally and metaphorically. A well tended garden is a very common representation of married bliss. Dreaming of a cook means being served by a perfect partner. Even Gordon himself, a common figure in dreams, means energy, love and light.
celebrity dreams no:14
posted by Mercury Vague at 20:16
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Thursday, 28 June 2007

Jamie Oliver & the Pilsbury Dough Boy

I’m the sound man on a recording of a Jamie Oliver cookery show. There's me (with boom microphone, headphones and tape deck) the cameraman and a director and Jamie himself in his kitchen. Jamie's ripping up basil leaves, drizzling olive oil, licking his fingers then he's onto the next item. We move over to a large work-surface and lying on it, on his back, is the corpse of the Pillsbury Doughboy. He's about four feet long, white, pudgy, exactly like he was in the adverts... but stone-cold dead.
Jamie has a sharp knife in his hands. “And thith is how we start,” he says as his draws the knife straight down the front of the doughboy, from neck to groin. Soft white dough starts oozing out of both sides of the cut. Jamie's got his hands inside the stomach now, kneading away, “Keep doing thith until it becomth elastic.”

A.S. Heburn,Newcastle

(Jamie Oliver is a television chef)

Mercury Vague : Your dream has conflicting signs; bread an omen of happiness and a knife an omen of grief to come. Combine these mixed messages with Jamie Oliver who represents feelings of self satisfaction and smugness and the waters muddy further. I feel this is a warning dream about standing back while others are successful.

celebrity dreams no:13

posted by Mercury Vague at 19:37
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Mercury Vague - diary entry #2

Mercury Vague: Working on JK’s show…he took me aside on the first day, touched my elbow and reassured me that everything would be smooth….his words, It’ll be smooth Mercury, you’ve no need to worry about the audience, they’re easy. Just a mix of slumming students and ham-armed housewives who want to wallow in someone else's misery.… he smiled at me and I had a feeling I had when I once stood on a large beetle…sort of disgust mixed with pleasure… and the pressure of foot on shell…like stepping on an exotic chocolate…

The studio quickly filled up…credits rolled…JK in front of the autocue…Welcome everyone to another hour of personal problems which we aim to solve with common sense, understanding and...he pauses and looks down the camera lens...Love.
That first show was about two set of man's wife had been sleeping with both the man next door and his was subtitled, my slutty wife is sleeping next door...her husband, a small wiry plumber, had been having day and night dreams about chopping his wife and neighbour's heads off and using them as bowling balls...his wife's head was the jack...and it's where I come in... JK says,Maybe we have a man who can help you...Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce a new member of the team. Famed psychic, author and dream interpreter, let's here it for....I thought back to having that beetle under my foot...MERCURY... how the shell resisted my weight for a second... VAGUE..before it crushed
posted by Mercury Vague at 19:34
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Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Gordon Brown & the Badgers

Another Gordon Brown dream
Gordon Brown is camping in the woods near where I live. I keep seeing him sitting outside his tent with his calor gas stove frying sausages and I keep telling him that he shouldn't camp there. Because of the badgers. He just laughs this off and ignores me. I almost beg with him to move on but to no effect.
The next day I walk up to his tent with a feeling of dread. They've attacked him in the night. The badgers. They've ripped his throat out and left him for dead.

M Jones, UK

Mercury Vague:Your dream sounds absolutely fascinating. Dreaming of badgers is considered extremely lucky by most analysts, especially so if you have been having 'hard times'.. What makes the dream particularly interesting is the merging of the Badger symbol with Gordon Brown. Let's hope that he represents fiscal gain for yourself. That, however, is a simplistic reading of Gordon Brown - as I stated before in my previous entry Gordon Brown is often associated with controlled rage. I believe this dream represents your anxieties (possibly subconscious) regarding your finances.

celebrity dreams no:12
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:39
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Magnus Pyke & the Guns

In the dream I’m a hit man working for the government. I kill anyone they want me to. I’m totally ruthless, a killing machine. I enter the office of the weapons master, he has some guns for me to try. The room I enter has a steel table with a row of handguns on it which vary from small delicately crafted automatics you might strap to your ankle, all the way up to what looks like a silenced .45. Standing behind the desk is Magnus Pyke and as I walk towards him he starts talking.
“Oh, hello there, now let me tell you about this little beauty“, he says as he picks up a gun and starts waving it frantically about. I'm thinking, Oh God be careful with that, it could go off. But I've got to keep my cool.
“This is a Russian semi-automatic shotgun. Useful at close range but precision is greatly decreased over distance,” says Magnus, waving his arms about in the style of a windmill.
And with that he turns, takes the gun in both hands and pumps a bullet into a water melon thats sitting in the corner of the room. The melon explodes pink up the wall. “Impressive, huh?”

Andy Parr, Cheshunt

(Magnus Pyke was a scientist and TV presenter )

Mercury Vague : Magnus Pyke is a dark character in dreams often associated with violence. I would read this dream as a warning that you should try to avoid situations that may spiral out of control. Guns symbolize injustice either to yourself or ones you love. Beware.

celebrity dreams no:11
posted by Mercury Vague at 21:45
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Sunday, 24 June 2007

Eddie Large, Ecstasy & M&S Food

Another of my own dreams, this one from around the time JK gave me a job on his show

I'm shopping in M&S Food, feeling relaxed as I decide between the ready meals, when the PA starts playing this wicked house tune. I'm straining my ears trying to work out what it is as shoppers around me start dancing; raising their hands in the air, eyes half closed, feeling the pulse of the music. Then I recognise it as You've Got Me Burning Up by Cevin Fisher. I drop my basket and start to groove too. I turn around and the dancer behind me is Eddie Large. He looks so beautiful, his cheeks glowing as he too dances. As I watch him he opens his mouth and I see on his tongue a little blue pill. I know its ecstasy, I just know. My eyes see closer and on the surface of the pill is a tiny picture of Syd Little. Eddie closes his mouth and says to me in his best Deputy Dawg voice, "I'll get you Muskrat."

(Eddie Large & Syd Little are a comedy double act)

celebrity dreams no:10
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:41
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Saturday, 23 June 2007

Mercury Vague - diary entry #1

Mercury Vague: This diary is my confession, and it is not going to be an easy to make. You must remember that none of this is true. It's just a dream. Just random fucking neurones snapping on and off. And what I will write, however terrible it may seem, is not true. It never happened. But I did kill them. I killed both of them.
Are you reading this Dehlia Smith?; reading it and taking mental notes in your sun dappled kitchen as you delicately grate parmezan. I dedicate the words that follow to you.

I met JK in the Autumn of last year...touting 'round television companies for work..anything...anything psychical...surely they needed someone like me to bring a different edge to their sordid little shows...I didn't want a whole half hour to myself...changing some idiot's life by analysing their dreams...all I wanted was a slot...and it was JK that said yes.

He thought his show was fading...needed something different...something that people would talk about...I remember his words...Mercury,he said, you are going to be my water cooler part of the show. You will get people talking...and he made me feel so warm and welcome... I remember the day clearly even down to the smell of his aftershave and the pressure of his hand on my back...that very first day...and then just a week later...Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you all to a new member on the JK team, someone with very special powers...I was sure I was going to be very sick...Please Welcome, psychic extraordinaire, Mercury Vague...none of this is true.
posted by Mercury Vague at 21:56
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Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Jamie Cullum & the Custard

I’m back being a kid, aged about 9 or 10 I guess, sitting at the pine-top breakfast bar with my family. It’s time for pudding – jam roly-poly with custard. I hate custard. I turn to my older brother, who, in the dream, is Jamie Cullum. He smiles at me and says, “Eat it up. It’s good for you. I love custard.” And it must be true because he has the most massive bowl full of custard which he proceeds to spoon greedily into his mouth. More and more of the stuff. I have a feeling of immense foreboding.
Suddenly me and the family are sitting watching Jamie at a concert –he’s dancing on the piano, working the crowd, then slapping the hell out of the keys. Then he vomits, a custard vomit that just seems to go on forever.

P. R., Bury St Edmonds

(Jamie Cullum is a pop jazz pianist)

Mercury Vague : Custard in dreams represents boredom and dissatisfaction. Jamie Cullum symbolizes feelings of worthlessness. My belief is that you have deep feelings of disgust and self loathing.

celebrity dreams no:9
posted by Mercury Vague at 23:03
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Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Jeremy Paxman & the Chicken

This is the weirdest dream I’ve ever had. I’m in charge of this farm only I can’t get control of it. The cows won’t come in to be milked, the pigs are crapping everywhere, even the farm’s sheep dog is totally ignoring me. It’s then that I go and look at the chickens. There are hundreds of them scattered all over the farm yard and in the middle of them all there is a gigantic one. It’s only when I get closer to it that I realise it’s actually half Jeremy Paxman, half chicken. Its his face definitely but he has this massive beak and those red dangly cheek things that chickens have. He looks at me and says,
“Which Chinese philosopher, who lived during China's tumultuous Period of Disunit, dedicated his life to searching for physical immortality, which he thought was attainable through alchemy?”
I say, “Oh god, I know this, I do”
”Come on, come on, I’m going to have to hurry you, anyone?”
I feel myself going so dry.
“It was the philosopher Ge Hong”, he says dismissively, then ruffles his feathers.

Simon S, Hebden Bridge

(Jeremy Paxman is a television presenter, host of University Challenge)

Mercury Vague : Dreams where you feel inadequate, lost, unable to move or speak are common and represent your subconscious fears for the coming day. Chickens symbolize lack of will power whereas conflictingly Paxman means tenacity. This dream is telling you that you need to work harder, to cling on to what you have achieved. Don’t let anyone take it away. Or it may just mean that you need to change your pillow from a feather filled one to an artificially filled one. Feather pillows often cause dreams about birds.

celebrity dreams no:8
posted by Mercury Vague at 13:16
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Monday, 18 June 2007

Gordon Brown & the Horse

I am riding along an English seaside promenade on a big brown horse. I don’t ride in real life but I’m enjoying this. It feels good to be above everybody else. A figure steps out of nowhere ahead of me and as I get nearer I can see it’s Gordon Brown. My horse stops in front of him. He is wearing a kids cowboy dressing-up outfit that is way too small for him. The cowboy hat is tiny on his head. On his checked shirt he has a sheriffs badge. He smiles that odd smile of his then out of his holster he pulls a gun but it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the cowboy outfit, this is obviously a real gun. He puts the barrel to the side of my horses head, pulls the trigger and BANG! I feel the front of the horse fall to the ground and I am falling with it.

Frank B, Chelmsford

(Gordon Brown is the Prime Minister, in waiting, of Great Britain)

Mercury Vague : If I was a political beast I would say that this is an allegorical dream relating to Gordon Brown raiding personal pensions and your fear for your old age. But I think a more classical interpretation is that this dream is all about fear of being exposed. Gordon Brown in dreams is like the volcano, peaceful on top but underneath simmering with rage. This dream is about you keeping feelings hidden, maybe subconsciously, that need to be released.

celebrity dreams no:7
posted by Mercury Vague at 00:21
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Friday, 15 June 2007

Tre Azam & the Generation Game

The dream starts with the sound of the audience cheering and whooping and I realize they are in front of me and I am on the stage standing next to my sister. It’s a television stage; there are three cameras facing us. I’m feeling very nervous then I look to my right and see Tre, the guy from the Apprentice, in a suit and he’s talking to the camera, “Welcome to the Generation Game, with me your host, Tre Azam”. The audience clap wildly, then we are straight into a game. We have to throw a clay pot on an old-fashioned potters wheel.
Mine goes disastrously wrong from the start, however I try to use my hands, it just crumples into a mess of wet clay. Tre’s standing in front of me looking at my work, utter disdain on his face,
“What the fuck is that?” he says, “That’s just not worth doing, is it?”

F Holiday, Bradford

(Tre Azam, marketing consultant and contestant on The Apprentice)

Mercury Vague : Dreams of inadequacy are probably one of the most common. You are in a situation where nothing goes right or you can’t do something that normally comes easy to you. These dreams are usually your subconscious preparing you for a challenge ahead. Tre Azam is a relatively new figure in dreams and represents over-confidence.

celebrity dreams no:6
posted by Mercury Vague at 10:53
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Thursday, 14 June 2007

Monkey Drivers & the Car Crash

In this blog, as well as analysing your celebrity dreams, I will also describe some of my own. This one I dreamt years ago but it appears to me as clear as if I had only experienced it last night.

I leave my penthouse apartment, jump into my car and start driving. It's then that I realise that all the other cars on the road are tiny, less than half a meter in length, but perfect scaled down versions of Fords, BMWs and the like. But, in the dream it is now that I see all the cars are being driven by what look like spider monkeys. It fascinates me. Some are driving carefully, some getting frustrated and screeching at other drivers, some are driving while talking into tiny mobile phones. And it's one of these drivers that is involved in the crash. Two cars hit head on. I stop my car and peer down at the wreckage, at the mess of metal and monkey on the ground.Unfortunately, I wake up, before the ambulance arrives. Even today I often wonder what the ambulance crew would have looked like.

Mercury Vague

celebrity dreams no:5
posted by Mercury Vague at 20:38
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Richard Madeley & the Extra Leg

I'm being interviewed by Richard and Judy on their TV show. We are all sitting on the sofas and I'm just feeling so relaxed as I tell them about my latest blockbusting novel. Then I feel myself being drawn to Richard's right trouser leg; he's wearing quite baggy, fawn, chinos. I struggle to carry on talking. Richard has noticed me staring and says,
“You want to know don't you?”.
“What?” I mumble.
“You want to know about the leg.”
And now he starts, quite slowly, to pull his right trouser leg up. I'm aware of Judy, who's been silent till now, tutting, and saying “Oh, Richard!” in that way of hers.Then, he's pulled the trouser up to knee height and we can all see. Me, Judy, the studio crew – all of us. He has an extra leg! It's not quite as thick as the normal one and it finishes in a foot just above the normal ones ankle. It looks truly bizarre. Richard smiles at me. I wake up.

Marsha Banks, Kent

(Richard Madeley is a television presenter alongside his wife, Judy Finnigan)

Mercury Vague : Good God! That is a strange one, but if one knows where to look for the clues it becomes easy to read. Richard Madeley means conformity. You are worried about whether you will be a success. The achievement that you crave will be yours, but you need to conform to expectations.

celebrity dream no:4
posted by Mercury Vague at 12:53
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Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Russell Grant and Testicle Eating

This is a nightmare I had when I was about 13. I'm sitting on the floor, for some reason, eating my dinner which is meat and boiled potatoes. I eat one of the potatoes then to my horror realize that what I've actually eaten is one of my own testicles. I am confused, unsure how this could have happened and then absolutely terrified. In my mind, in my dream, I am thinking,”what if it doesn't grow back?” Then, Russell Grant appears and he's bubbly and harmless and in that squeaky voice of his says, “Don't worry Love, it'll be alright.” And this reassures me and I know that I will be alright. Still a scary dream though.
I woke up sweating, I can tell you.

P Davies, Swansea

(Russell Grant is a lighthearted camp astrologist)

Mercury Vague : That is an unusual dream. I don't think I have come across one with such extraordinary images for quite some time. Usually dreaming of eating potatoes indicates the coming of peace and restfulness. Russell Grant is not fully agreed on by dream analysts, but he could mean an 'irritant' or 'barrier'. I feel that this dream is one of fears about the turbulence of puberty and whether you reach peace afterwards.

celebrity dream no:3
posted by Mercury Vague at 13:55
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John Major & the Sheepskin Rug

I'm at my friend's dinner party, we've finished eating and are all standing about in his large living room when out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of something. I look down and there in the middle of a sheepskin rug is the severed head of John Major. He looks exactly as you'd expect him to look, his eyes are open, except he's not moving. There's no blood or anything, just the head. No one else at the party seems to notice or care.

Justin Green
, London

(John Major, British conservative politician, ex-Prime Minister)

Mercury Vague : An amazingly symbolic dream: friendship, decapitation, power and sheep. Surprisingly, a severed head can often represent the focusing of thoughts. Obviously, John Major in dreams symbolises blandness. This dream means that you are thinking about a change of direction, a breakaway from your current, dull life.

celebrity dream no:2
posted by Mercury Vague at 11:03
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Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Nigel Mansel & the Stick Insect

I am sitting in my conservatory on my favourite wicker chair when I look up and out into the garden. There is Nigel Mansell, dressed in a smart jumper and slacks, with a metal, tent pole in his hand. He looks annoyed and slightly scared at the same time. And then I see why. In front of him is an enormous stick insect, lime green and as tall as your hip. Exactly as you see them in the zoo but scaled up thousands of times. Its eyes glint malevolently at Nigel who then tries to strike it with his tent pole. Somehow he misses and the insect bites him hard on his wrist. This is where the dream gets strange because Nigel is hurt, blood coming out of his injured wrist and then, well what I can only describe as lots of metal tubing and wiring began to uncoil from his wound. He is an android. I am sure he is. I wake up.

Mr A Haussman
, Newport

(Nigel Mansell is a racing driver and was World Formula 1 Champion in 1992)

Mercury Vague : An interesting dream with lots of vivid imagery and so much energy. In the language of dreams insects usually signify trivial irritations but this giant Kafkaesque insect is a trivial irritation that has been blown out of all proportion. Nigel Mansell in dreams represents calmness and emotional detachment. Combine these two with the dreams body violence and I believe we can conclude that you are worried about responding badly to criticism of yourself as being emotionally unintelligent.

celebrity dreams no:1
posted by Mercury Vague at 09:04
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